KNOCKHOLT STEW   (NOT AS TASTY AS ANTELOPE BUT EASIER TO CATCH AND PREPARE)

Ingredients: One field of crane flies. one medium sized sheep,2 large onions,one handful of stinging nettles,pint of real ale (recycled), sheep shit to taste.

Method: Catch crane flies and leave in an airtight container until dead. (I trapped mine using a little floral disinfectant.- adds more flavour.) Shear the sheep and spin wool. Set wool aside for later use.(Arran Sweaters) Drink pint of real ale. Fillet sheep then wee on it. Leave to stand in a warm place for one hour. Place marinated sheep in a  large casserole dish. Add salt, pepper, and nettles. Cover with recycled ale and simmer over a log fire for three hours.Add a handful of sheep shit and the crane flies, and stir well.Stew for a further 45 minutes, then serve with a generous hunk of mouldy bread.

Mmmmmmmm........lovely.......

 

 

Auntie Leopard's Jokes

"What do you call an antelope from Transylvania?"

"Vlad The Impala"

Bob Kenward has pointed out that the Woodshed sesions in The Wrotham Arms during the Broadstairs festival won't start until later, as Jen has bands booked in at lunchtimes. I'll keep you posted.

 

 

AUNTIE LEOPARD'S CORNER

The kittens have rented out a corner of their den. Of course I had to clean it up first. Now that I've got rid of the bones and torn up bits of paper, I can get on with other stuff, like answering any problems or questions that you leopardeers might have. There is a guestbook in which you can write. It's tucked away, so those pesky kittens can't get at it.

Dear Auntie Leopard

I keep losing stuff. I put name tags on it all, but it still goes missing. Can you help me please?

Dear Writer

I have always found a place for everything, then it doesn't go missing. I do have another failsafe method. Collect it all in one place, then wee on it. This is called scent marking. Believe me, no-one will want to even borrow your stuff!

Dear Auntie Leopard

I have an uncontrollable urge to dress in leopardskin and wear a wig in public. Is this normal?

Dear Trevor

Stop wasting my time!!! You know that we can have a private chat in the Den at any time. Anyway, this is perfectly acceptable behaviour for a leopard. However if any leopardeers have this problem I can help. I hear there's a lot of it going on in Essex.

Dear Auntie Leopard

I am twelve years old and spots are appeering on my face and back. I am two imbarrissed to talk to anyone about it. Can you give me sum advice please.

Dear twelve year old. The first thing that you need are some spelling lessons. Don't worry about the spots. I am well past twelve and am absolutely covered in them. Are you, a leopard too? Maybe you're a cheetah, or a jaguar even. Any of these are also covered in spots by a very young age. I hope this helps.

 Kind regards

A.L. May 17th 2006.

Dear Auntie Leopard

I am the mother of two kids who are scared stiff of water.

Please can you give me some advice.

Momma Katz

Dear Ms. Katz

Being a cat myself , I suspect that your kids have feline tendencies. Cats do not like water. They would sooner stay in than be out in a storm. My advice to you is this:

Lick your hand and wipe it over the kids. This will either send them screaming to the bathroom, or, will just clean them up. 

Alternatively, just follow the advice I gave to my first correspondent.

A.L. 22nd May 2006

Dear Auntie Leopard

I am leaning towards becoming a vegetarian. What are your thoughts on this?

C Lyon

Dear C Lyon

No--o-o-o! Don't even think about it. Stick to raw meat is what I say. Here is my favourite recipe. It's for JUGGED WILDEBEAST.

First chase your wildebeast. When you and it have had enough exercise put it in a jug.

Leave in hot place for three weeks. Tear meat from bones, and eat. Yummee!

Dear A Leopard

I live on the 13th floor of a tower block. I don't have many friends, and would like to know how I can meet people.

Dear Writer

This is not something that I have a lot of trouble with myself. All you need to do is to leap on it from a great height, and meat will be ready prepared for you.

 

Dear Auntie

I am confused. There are so many different religions.. I don't know who to pray to.

Dear Friend

No need to be confused. You need to prey a lot. Prey on goats, prey on giraffe, prey on zebra, any prey will do.

Dear Ms Leopard

You seem very wise. I need help sorting me jigs from me reels and me 'ornpipes. Can you help?

Certainly! Reels go Antelope antelope antelope antelope antelope antelope.

Jigs go Matabele Matabele Matabele Matabele Matabele

Matabele Matabele Matabele

Hornpipes go Hartebeste Hartebeste Hartebeste Hartebeste Hartebeste Hartebeste Chimpanzee.

O-oh - all those animals are making me feel hungry.

Where's the nearest safari park?

Dear Auntie

I am very worried about Trevor. Remember that suit I promised to make you? I got hold of some lovely tiger print velour and looked high and low for it. Then I saw him! Trevor was parading about under our tree, wearing YOUR material, draped over one shoulder, pulling faces, and going "Ugg!!!"

A (very worried) Sue

Dear Sue

Was he wearing the wig as well?Think he may be evolving into a mancub. Next time he does it, climb up the tree, as high as you can, and wee on him.

Auntie

Dear Auntie L.

I feel the need to write again. I am full of confusion.

T.D.L's critics say we are both a- rhythmic and therefore bad. Trevor says I'm ok- it works. Then he starts doing guitar workshops, and tells me to go to a bodhran workshop. I went, and it was awesome! Now he says I'm too good, and he's going to sack me. One of our friends said I'm no fun any more. I'm a very puzzled, and confused little leopard. Hel----p!

Suexxxx

Dear Sue

My advice my dear is: firstly, wee on Trevor, then wee on anyone else who upsets you, then wee in your bodhran.You'll feel much better!

Love from Auntie xxxxxx

Dear Leopardeers     October 2006

There has been some concern expressed as to the amount of wee in this corner of the Den. Please do not worry my dears, as I keep a good supply of Jeyes Fluid . What that doesn't kill straight away, leaves fairly smartly. You all seem to be enjoying the Knockholt Stew - hope it tastes as good as mine. Yes, Jo Jo, it's a struggle to keep the place tidy- but I'm managing- thankyou. Kitten James is keeping busy taking lots of photos of Sue and Trevor. I've managed not to get snapped so far- lucky for you. Sue is finding it impossible to upload them to the usual pages, but they can be found by looking in the photo albums lying around the Den somewhere. Try clicking on something on the side.

Dear Auntie

Right! I've wee'd on Trevor, and in my bodhran, and I feel much better. I'm getting better on the bodhran, they even let us play with the Scratch Band at the end of the evening at O.F.C. I got a drum solo last week. Got a good practice at Tenterden on Saturday. Their sessions in the White Lion  can be quite demanding.

Dear Auntie. It's me again. Your advice seems to have really worked! We went to Fab Club today, and I got asked to accompany a lovely young man, on my bodhran. I had that Simon Oliver there too! Trevor and I sang three new songs, and the last, you'll absolutely love. It's a cublet's song all about animals doing things. It needs a little person to do the actions, so who better than that nutty Frenchwoman? She, and an equally nutty Englishman, Bill Pardon, were jumping about being chimps, eagles, lions, tigers, elephants etc. By far the best was their impressions of a hippo rolling in mud!LOL xxxx Sue.                                                Dear A. L. 

 I really am scared that I'm going mad. What with the frocks, and the tiger print, leopardskin, and the stripy Africam get-up an' all. Last week I felt the need to cover a hard hat with leopardskin. If this weren't bad enough, I bolted a pink plastic thing to it, with a gyrating mirror ball. It throws coloured swirls over the ceiling. It is worrying that my friend Ti covets it, and seeems to want one himself. I think I'll scent-mark it.

Not you again Trevor

I told you to speak to me privately about this stuff. As for your friend..... give him my phone number - he must be related to us.

Pleeze xcuse my spellin but I need yor help bad. Wen will you be bak from yor holly day?

Annne Onymouse

We are very sorry, but Auntie Leopard is still on holiday in Botswana, and no one else dare answer  her letters until she returns. Whatever the problem is dear....do the usual..... wee on it!

Hello Leopardeers.... A.L. is back from sunny Botswana. I brought loads of stuff back with me, what I couldn't eat quickly was impounded by Customs. I had a lovely time, apart from those camera lenses being poked in my direction. Not to mention that Attenborough character!

I'm pleased to see that my corner has been kept neat and tidy during my abscence, and I have had good reports about Sue and Trevor. I hear they did well at Fab Club today, and young James, is now photographer turned guitarist, turned review writer. Well done lad!

I hear also that trevor has got some leopardskin trousers! They aren't spandex- but hey - you can't have everything my boy!Be very Afraid!

My spies have been out and about again. I hear on the grapevine that that lovely chap Derek "Del Boy" Ayress has also done well on the performing front. Sue volunteered him to be all the animals in "What can I Be". I hear that his bear and hippo were particularly memorable!

Better get practicing for when they visit your club! Be so very afraid!!!!

One of our best leopardeers wanted the words of 4x4. They have been sent by first class carrier pidgeon. Meanwhile I've put it on the WERDZ PAGE for all to see.

Eek!!!! I expect to have a rent increase. They may need my corner to stack all their unsold cds.!

Yes my leopardeers, "8 by 2 " has escaped into the big jungle that is the folk club scene. They have sold several, and even had to autograph some of them....be very afraid!

Raaaa.....aaaaah!

I have been surfing the net, and I have found some of our relatives at work in Kensington and Chelsea!

Just look at this!!!!!!!